If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
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I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.