While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
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Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Who.
Did.
This?
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
The pasta is now
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.