[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
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WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.