I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”