Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
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USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.