What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
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When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
shit just got real
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
bout dat hot dog summer