Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
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I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.