Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
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Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?