Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
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can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Doug is just Canadian for dog
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I’m confused about plants
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.