“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
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‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I feel seen.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else