It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
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Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Not today. 😅
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.