**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
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I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in