older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
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My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.