English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
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friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
being a writer on Twitter:
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero