I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
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I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Customer is always right
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it