me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
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I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”