Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
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*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.