Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
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Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
it be like that
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?