You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
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dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Why am I like this?
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Worth remembering.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.