[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
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*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
man i love columbo
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*