Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
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he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
This is painfully accurate 😅
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.