ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
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wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR