I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
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[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Google reviews are always so mixed..
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.