Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
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My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Xylophonist Shredding It
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Woke up against my better judgement again
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it