He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
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My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Kermit goes Blue.
Oh my God.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
listen closely