Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
You Might Also Like
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
This probably isn’t good
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT