[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
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Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
the council will decide your fate
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
don’t be scared
Yup
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.