[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
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crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Brb my Sims are getting married
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.