The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …