Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
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Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
*pronounces fake like saké*
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.