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I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.