friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
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3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
the short answer to this question
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.