Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
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the Monday after daylight savings
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother