Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
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I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract