Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
You Might Also Like
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
#parenting
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
looks legit
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣