inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
You Might Also Like
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.