Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
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yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.