My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
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As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
i wish we could shoplift online
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
“What?”
– Jude
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself