Not all heroes wear capes…
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I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
what is cheese if not milk persevering
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?