[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
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I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral