The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
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[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Introverted vegans go meetless
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt