If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
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It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Ain’t no way
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.