[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
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[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
this came to me in a vision
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.