My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
You Might Also Like
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
tourist season
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂