BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
You Might Also Like
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
wow
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name