Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
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I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I told my vodka about you.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor