little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
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Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.