Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
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my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!