[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
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my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
We found love in a hopeless place.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.