My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
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Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.